Tag Archives: Naturopathy

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

I’m exhausted. I know, I know. That seems to be the human condition these days: everyone is tired. But honestly, I haven’t felt this bad physically since the depths of my eating disorder. I’m worn out, dizzy, weepy, and a flight of stairs can do me in. My naturopath says this is normal, as everything in my body and mind is shifting, and the only remedy is rest.

Rest. Totally got it. Work a 9 hour shift, sit on my ass for the rest of the night. Go to yoga, do a bridge instead of full wheel. Go to ballet, do single pirouettes instead of triples and mark the jumps.

Apparently, that’s not resting. I don’t know how to rest. Even now, as I recline on my couch, I’m doing research, cleaning, and blogging. I’m constantly terrified of what my mind will do if I let it be. I can deal with it in controlled doses, but if I gave it free run of the place, who knows what it will come up with? I prefer my brain safely battery-caged. And if I don’t exercise . . . well, there’s no telling what my body would do. It’s a process.

Interesting things have been happening emotionally, too. It’s funny how out-of-control exhaustion makes me feel. Historically, I have tried to control my emotions through silence or cover them with a mask of anger. If you’re silent, nobody knows you’re feeling anything. If you’re angry, people leave you alone. But if you’re sad . . . people can sense weakness and exploit it. It’s a dangerous thing.

Yesterday, in group, I decided to try to express myself without using anger to cover it. My usual response to everything: “This is BULLSHIT! This doesn’t actually work for real people. I’m SO DONE!”. Not so productive, but it’s my way of saying “I disagree, I don’t understand, I’m feeling hopeless” without sobbing. Yesterday, I tried the latter. And sobbed. And sobbed. I don’t remember the last time I cried that hard. It kind of sucked. But you know what? Don’t tell WGT, but I actually feel somewhat better. When I don’t let it out, I ruminate and just get angrier until I explode. When I explode, I feel like an asshole, and hate myself even more.

So now I’m living with sadness. I’m really sad. I have a lot of years of unexpressed emotions to work through, and it’s not going to be an easy or fun process, but on the other side of fear is freedom. Gotta hope.

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Better Than Before

Sorry for the delay in posting. Thank you to everyone who expressed love and concern. It’s been a busy couple of weeks with a lot of changes, so I’ve been trying to honor the part of me that needs more rest.

The changes: I’ve mentioned in previous posts some lingering problems I’ve had as a result of my eating disorder. I decided it was time to try to fix it. Since “Western Medicine” had either told me I was fixed enough, or just gave me a band-aid solution to get me through the symptoms, I looked elsewhere. I saw a naturopathic doctor two weeks ago, and she told me that she could make things better, with a combination of herbs, acupuncture, and other therapies.

I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes right now, picturing witch doctors and medieval blood-letting, and that’s fine. It’s not for everyone. All I know is, as a child I had chronic throat infections, and after a remedy from a naturopath, I haven’t had strep throat again.

But I’m not here to argue the “east vs. west” point any more than I’ll argue religion with anyone. The point of this particular blog post is hope.

When she told me she knew the cause of my problems, and how to fix them, I felt hope for the first time in a long time. Apparently things that I thought were just character flaws are actually symptoms. But beyond that, every day this week I woke up with things wrong, hurting, tired, and instead of being miserable, I said, “It’s okay. Soon things will be better.”

Hope makes all the difference. It’s the thing that keeps you going when everything else goes to hell. Where do you find your hope?

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