After my first few days of blog blitz, my one or two readers may or may not have noticed a rather lengthy (well, half of the life of my blog) absence. It’s not that I ran out of things to rant about, because *believe me* we’re not going to get rid of the idiots that easily. No, I spent a few days fighting with my internal demons instead of the external ones. At times like that, sure I could rant my face off, but it would be coming from such a disingenuous place that I just couldn’t do it. I may call myself a shitload of nasty names, but I refuse to let “hypocrite” be one of them . . . most of the time.
Anyhow. When I get into these “funks”, it feels like nothing in the world will get me out of them. I have learned, however, that if I ignore the universe’s subtle nudges, it decides to slap me across the face. It looks much like this, in my mind.
So, having ignored many supportive messages from friends, subtle reminders of why life is good, and the unexpected cancelling of my yoga class (I would TOTALLY have been using it for un-zenlike purposes), today I got quite the metaphorical face assault. Here’s what it looks like when the universe sets out to remind me that my life doesn’t entirely suck:
A bout of “middle of the night” insomnia kept me from waking up in time to walk the entire way to my appointment today (more of a gentle nudge to take better care of myself, but walking the whole way would have sucked, nonetheless). I opened my door to find a present from my neighbor “just because” she thought I might like it. A friend I love very dearly but seldom see was working at the tea shop I visit weekly (after the appointment) and shared not only a free tea, but some wonderful news. I came home to find an email from another dear friend who I haven’t heard from in a few years. It was one of those dreaded “forward this to x number of friends” emails, but the content of it was exactly what I needed to hear (read) in that moment, and featured many sparkly butterflies. (I promise a post soon on the significance of butterflies in my recovery).
These things may not seem earth-shattering, but when you’re feeling alone and hopeless, things like these can mean the difference between making a good choice and making a really shitty one.
Oh right! It would probably be a good idea to explain the significance of the title of this post. As much as I slammed Twitter in my last post, it really can be a positive thing. I follow an account called “Great Minds Quotes“. The one that fish-slapped me today was from the writer George Eliot:
“It will never rain roses: when we want to have more roses, we must plant more roses.” ~George Eliot
Exactly what I NEVER WANT TO DO in recovery: stop waiting for someone else to save me, and take responsibility for doing what I need to do to ensure that my future is “rosy” (I never promised I wouldn’t be cheesy).
By the way, this is George. She was born Mary Anne (or Mary Ann, or Marian, depending on your source) Evans. She wanted her books taken seriously, so she used a male pen name. How lucky are we that we live in a time when women can write as themselves and be taken seriously? It is amazing how far our society has come. This gives me hope that, some day, we who suffer from eating disorders can stand proud without fearing societal repercussions. Let’s be pioneer women in our time (but with better hairstyles, yes?)