Get Out And Stay Out

Get Out And Stay Out, from the musical 9 to 5

This was my “Get out of my head, ED” song during my recovery. This is not my bootleg, nor do I condone bootlegging, but I thought you should see the whole video. SJB is pretty stellar, and you should see her whole performance. 

Have you ever seen the movie, “Sleeping With The Enemy?” Julia Roberts plays a woman trapped in an abusive relationship. She fakes her own death to escape her husband, but he figures it out and tracks her down. *SPOILER ALERT* She kills him.

But what do you do when the abusive relationship is in your own head? It’s not just the eating disorder voice. That one I can recognize and separate myself from, but there is another voice. It’s been with me from my earliest memories, at 2 or 3, standing, staring in the mirror, telling me I’m fat and ugly, that I hate myself, and tearing chunks out of my thighs. That voice uses my own voice. I don’t know where it begins and I end, or if it is, in fact, me.

I was horrified this week in school learning about the extent of the irreversible damage starvation can do to your body. It made me realize: I wasn’t waging a war with my body, I was waging a war with myself. I don’t want to destroy my body, I’ve been trying to destroy myself, to kill off the part of me that is so unworthy and unlovable. I don’t know what part that is anymore.

But how am I supposed to leave my abusive relationship? If I run, it comes with me. If I hide, it’s right there beside me. I feel like it’s come down to the final showdown. I can’t live my life with this battle in my head anymore, but I feel like if I try to run, it’ll kill me anyhow. It’s “kill or be killed”, but it’s me either way.

It’s like being trapped in a burning building. Do you try to jump out the window and take your chances or give up and let yourself burn? I’ve got to find the courage to jump. I’m scared of what will be waiting for me. I’m afraid of what will happen if I catch up with myself. This is it: the big battle. This is where it started, and where it has to end.

Wish me luck.

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12 Comments

Filed under Fighting Fear

12 responses to “Get Out And Stay Out

  1. made me think of Harry and Voldemort.. it was him all along. It was always going to be Harry who had to do it. You can face your own Voldemort 🙂

  2. Jac

    That part of you…the abusive voice…that will die:)

  3. That you are willing to face it, that you are fully aware is already the hardest part of the battle. You have love and support surrounding you Kelly, and we won’t let you down. If you believe in yourself as much as we do, you can and WILL retrain that voice, or it will learn that you don’t respond and it will lose it’s power over you. *hugs*

    • boobatooba43

      I agree with everything said here.
      Kelly, Sarah is at a recovering stage at the moment (YA, BABY), however, even though she is eating now what she wants, when she wants, I can still see the BEAST, and I tell it to go away, Sarah looks at me and she knows what I am talking to. At least she can smirk about it, which makes me feel a bit more at ease. This is going on her 2nd week of non-mechanical eating, we shall see what happens at weigh-in on Thursday, Keeping our fingers crossed and you need to keep blogging I am sure that must help you organize your true thoughts of who you are and what you have to offer to this world. Good Luck with the leap of faith!! Looking forward to the next blog 🙂

  4. Ryan

    Interesting analogy with the burning building. I definitely think it is better to jump than to let yourself burn. At least when you take that risk, there is a chance that you will survive and have a better life. It has to be better than guaranteed suffering and death. But these are logical thoughts, and unfortunately for us, logic and fear are not usually friends.

    I do find that the more I learn about the effects of starvation, the more it scares me in the other direction. I focus a lot on health, which may not always be the picture of a complete recovery, but for now, it is at least less damaging than starvation. Of course, my mind is still pretty messed up. I guess these things are part of taking that final jump, the ultimate risk. I don’t have any answers for you, but if you figure out how to get to the other side be sure to let me know 🙂

  5. Just acknowledging the fact that you are willing to make the choice to take the leap of faith out of the window is a huge step. The best part is, you’re building up a network of people who are prepared to stand outside of that window, ready to catch you if they can. Just keep the faith that they’ll be there. 🙂

    (Also, off topic, Stephanie J. Block is beyond fierce. Her voice is INCREDIBLE.)

  6. You’re so brave. It’s just the voice, it’s not you. And you’ll beat what is trying to kill the real you, I know it. Be strong, Kelly. Here if you need it. xoxo

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