An Eating Disordered Paradox

When you say or do something that hurts me, it doesn’t change how I feel about you, it changes how I feel about me.

A sample conversation that may or may not occur between my head and my head on any given day:

Hmmm. That upset me.

Why the fuck are you upset? That shouldn’t hurt you.

You’re right . . . but I’m still upset.

Well, you deserve to be upset. People hurt you because you deserve to be hurt. You’re an asshole for even remotely putting the blame on the other person.

I need feedback, people. Is this an “everybody” thing? An “eating disordered” thing? Or is this just a “me” thing? Also, am I using “paradox” correctly? I feel like I am, but suddenly I have doubts . . .

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16 Comments

Filed under Blatherings

16 responses to “An Eating Disordered Paradox

  1. Geoff Whynot

    Well, I know what you’re talking about for sure. Just did it this afternoon! Not sure it’s a paradox, though. I think that a paradox is when two contradictory things are true at the same time (Frederick being 20 years old AND 5 years old at the same time).

    Thanks for the blog post!

    • Thanks for sharing, Jefe. And for your paradox feedback. I read an alternate definition of paradox that I hope kind of applies to my post: A seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true

  2. I think it’s a paradox. I don’t know if it’s just an eating disorder thing, but I know everyone with an eating disorder does it. You’re constantly contradicting yourself with this disorder. There’s two of you. You see double every day. The little voice in your head whispers and you are its minion. It’s hell.

  3. Lacey

    I do that too, you are not alone. I have been trying to convince myself that the hurt is not my fault, because apparently there is a freeing feeling when this happens.

    • Thanks, Lacey. Sometimes we have no choice to hold onto the “apparently” and the “possibly”. Kinda sucks, but at least it’s something.

  4. Lacey

    True, but it is also nice to hold on to the thought that we are not alone. And I think that is more than something.

  5. leahcoombs

    If someone says something mean or hurtful to you, it is important to remember that that comment is a reflection of them and not a reflection of you. Before you jump to the conversation above, maybe you can try a different conversation? “Wow, that was mean. It hurt me” … “What’s wrong with THIS person that they would say something so hurtful?”

    xx

  6. Andrea Ahlers

    I can’t say if it’s an eating disorder thing, but I do think it a very feminine/female thing. Not that men don’t do that, but I think women do far more often. Why? I’m not sure. I think we try to be all things to all people and when we can’t and get hurt, we are certain it’s because it’s our fault.

    I don’t know if “it” ever goes away, but the paradox to love others we must love ourselves is true. So how do we learn to love ourselves?

    Know that YOU are loved Kelly. And you’re not alone. I promise you that. And the next time you have this battle, let me know, and I’ll smite the hell part…I can do that. xo

  7. Ryan

    It is a “highly sensitive person” thing. I read this book about being a highly sensitive person or HSP, and I think it is really common in people with eating disorders. Anyway, it really helped me reframe the way I see myself. I grew up believing there was something wrong with me because I’m so sensitive, I analyze everything, and seemingly normal situations make me anxious but then I read this book and it helped me recognize that it is just the way I am and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Check out the book if you’re interested ๐Ÿ™‚

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