It’s been a long little while, or so it feels after the blog blitz that was NEDA Awareness week. There has been so much going on in my world, most of which makes me want to hide from the rest of the world. I feel like I don’t have the right to make my voice heard if I don’t have anything positive to say, so it’s easier to just drop off the face of the planet.
Lately, I’ve been having some pretty deep conversations about what constitutes “trying”, and when trying becomes “failing”. Big question. I’m going to preface this by saying that I believe that it is NEVER a choice to develop an eating disorder, but we CAN choose to fight it. A lot of times, it sure looks like we’re losing the fight. Even when we go months without a symptom, one slip-up can feel like failure. It’s so easy to give up the fight when we feel like we’ve failed, but I’ll share with you something that WGT once told me:
“It’s not the symptoms we have in recovery that measure our progress. It’s how we get out of them that is the real measure”
The answer has to be to stand up and try again. And again. And again. The failure only really comes when we stop trying altogether. It’s hard. And it’s often so complicated. In order to be able to succeed in one area of recovery, so often we have to make sacrifices in other areas. Or so it feels. What happens when success happens across the board? It’s fucking scary. Most of us don’t have coping skills that aren’t self-destructive. You feel like an infant abandoned naked in the woods.
The only way out of the woods is through. Keep moving forward. Maybe you can’t stand up, so you crawl. Maybe you just curl up and try to survive for a while where you are. Or maybe you ask someone else to help drag you along. The woods only gets darker when you go backwards.
Logically, you know I’m right. Logically, I know I’m right. There is, unfortunately, nothing logical about eating disorders. Just hold on.